It happens a lot. Mom gets these ideas of how things “should” be in her head and then finds herself absolutely devastated when things don’t go exactly as planned. The thing is, she doesn’t always even share her plans with the rest of us. So it ends up being kind of a free for all trying to figure out what to do. No one who truly loves her ever intends to let her down.
Yet I think that’s what happened today. It came out of nowhere. One minute, she was laughing with dad over dinner. Carter was playing happily in his activity center. I was minding my own business on the living room rug. Everything was fine and dandy. But it didn’t take much for things to head south. Quickly.
Carter started crying in the tired way he does. So mom did what she thought best in that moment and (instead of the norm of putting him down for his evening nap) attempted to snuggle him. I knew before it even happened it wouldn’t work. Dear little Carter hasn’t enjoyed snuggling quite as much as he used to when he was so very tiny those first couple of months. But I watched it all happen. Carter screamed. Dad questioned. Mom got abnormally upset. And I remembered.
Today is the five-year “anniversary” (if you can call it that) of my beloved forever mom’s loss of her father. I don’t know why, but for some reason five years seems somewhat of a milestone somehow. And I can’t say it’s one that was unnoticed by our family today.
Both my grandma and my aunt Morgan were here at one point or another to say hi to Carter, and (while they both seemed mostly okay) I know them well. Today is one of those days that you try to forget but can do nothing but remember. I could see this in the both of them just as I saw it in mom.
So I did as I said I would do. When I first learned of what today signifies I promised to always do what I could to make it a little less miserable for my dear forever mom. Today was no different. So when the opportunity presented itself, I embraced it. Or I guess you could say it embraced me.
Dear baby Carter hugged me today. Somehow that single isolated moment seemed to bring to life any of the extraordinary expectations she had for today. Because these things happen. She gets these ideas in her head sometimes and when things don’t go quite right all hell breaks lose. It (almost) happened today. But I (like everyone else who love her) had no intention of letting her down.
So I embraced the moment with baby Carter even though he was grabbing so much of my fur that it hurt enough to make my eyes water. It’s just what you do sometimes.
Related posts: http://wileyschmidt.com/2013/06/03/the-grief-tunnel/