It was a disturbing thought, and yet it was one I couldn’t help but share. During a love fest tonight, my dear forever mom shared with me what I can only hope to be one of her most personal and deepest fears. Tonight she asked me a question I pray to never (in this life or any other, if you believe in such things) ever have to answer. It was one of those incredibly thought provoking whilst overpoweringly depressing thoughts you only have if you’re my mom apparently.
Today she asked me how I felt about a simple question with a big meaning. She asked how I thought I would feel if the family would win the lottery and then find out she or dad was going to leave us for heaven. Then she asked if she thought I would prefer that over dad or I leaving for heaven and the survivor winning the lottery shortly thereafter. I will be honest (as I always am).
The thought itself was so utterly disturbing that I couldn’t find it in my heart or mind to answer it regardless of whether she could hear me. It’s something I’ve talked about frequently, this whole concept of making ends meet, but I would never (ever) think of sacrificing one of my beloved people in order to do so. The thought in itself is absolutely heartless and I don’t support it in the slightest.
Nonetheless, the idea has been haunting me. It’s getting to be that time of year around here, when Halloween rears its head and ghosts and goblins appear. So apparently mom’s emotional ghosts and goblins are appearing early and I don’t like it in spite of the reasons.
I know mom would rather make sure dad had all kinds of (albeit potentially meaningless) money if she died suddenly, and I’m sure dad would feel the same. It’s a terrible thought, but I think (maybe) the financial support of it all would bring slightly less strain to an emotional situation. Then I realized something. I (and maybe my beloved forever people) am thinking in a very cynical way. I know I am loved and cared for, and there is no question of that, so why on Earth would I question the emotional intentions of those who love and care for me most? It might sound silly, but ultimately I know that is what matters because I know that if you love and care for someone (or something), you will go out of your way to ensure that person (or animal) is appreciated and loved.
I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s intentions for life. That’s the farthest from what I want to do.
But I do think there is more value than we think in appreciating those around us for everything they are worth. Because we don’t always know how long we have them for, and I would much rather know I loved fully than had any regrets when they leave me for the beauty that is heaven.